Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Don't make me shoot the kitten

So Bob is still heartsick over the ex. You remember my friend Bob. The "I'm a hot piece of nerd ass" Bob. The one I make say "I'm a tiger..." That one. Bob, my BFF.

Bob has a sad.

It's not the typical heartsickness. He's definitely over her, but she - and let's call her "MeanGirl" to protect the not-so-innocent - is turning in to an emotional bully. And being a fiercely loyal friend, I hate bullies - in a "You make me want to smash things violently" kinda way. Which is unfortunate, since MeanGirl originally seemed like a cool woman, and at the time made Bob really happy. Also MeanGirl was a fan of E.B. White's books (according to MySpace.)

So Bob and I were IM'ing the other day, and the conversation went something like this:

Bob: Yo
Me: -gurt. what up?
Bob: she's emailing me again.
Me: Srsly?
Bob: Yeah.
Me: DUDE.
Bob: I know. It's just she makes me really sad sad sad OMG sad. And sad angry, sad sad regret sad angry. Sad sad. Sad.
Me: DUDE.
Bob: Well and sad, angry, regret sad. Sad sad sad. Sad.
Me: Bob....
Bob: And I emailed her sad sad sad draft email sad sad angry sad sad sad.
Me: Bob...
Bob: Sad sad srsly sad WTF sad sad
[at this point I'm kind of losing it and might just reach through the Interwebs and smack Bob.]
Me: DON'T MAKE ME DO IT BOB.
Bob: whuu?
Me: I WILL SHOOT THIS KITTEN.

Bob: Dude.
Me: I'M SERIOUS.
Bob: I know you. You're not going to shoot that kitten. You're totally going to hide it in your apartment and feed it kitty snaks.
Me: Dammit Bob.
Bob: You know you would.
Me: Fine. You're right.
Bob: I still has a sad.
Me: I'm going to go buy a copy of Stuart Little and beat MeanGirl about the head and shoulders until she apologizes to you.
Bob: WTFevah.
Me: Srsly.
Bob: That's not nice.
Me: I know, especially to Stuart Little, dude.
Bob: lol
Me: I hate book abuse, but I'll DO IT FOR YOU BOB.
Bob: thanks dude.
Me: Feel better?
Bob: Yes.
Me: ok good because I don't want to club this baby seal for lunch.
Bob: Ew.

Moral of the story: I hate bullies and I will make empty threats of committing violence to cute animals in a sideways attempt to empower you. Or something. I need more coffee.

2 comments:

catsrule said...

i love reading your conversation its so LOL and DONT SOOT THE KITTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLZZZZZ DONT ME LOVE KITTENS!!!!!!!!!!

catsrule said...

srry i spelled shoot rong