Monday, February 16, 2009

i'd rather eat glass

I forget which movie it was - I think it was a Woody Allen movie - where one character has just gone to the doctor and says "it could be worse - it could be benign." I feel like I'm misquoting it, but eh, you get the idea. I was going to try and get the exact quote and link to it, but I'm not channeling the google mojo and I got a bunch of hits on diseases I'd rather not read about.

So I'm keeping a running tally of things I'd rather do than go on blind dates in the near future:

1. Eat a lightbulb.
2. Get a root canal (without Novocaine) while being forced to listen to Barry Manilow.
3. Self-amputate my right arm with a butter knife.
4. Go to my 10 year high school reunion, naked.*
5. Swim in a tank of hungry piranhas in a bathing suit made of raw bacon.
6. Watch "Everyone Loves Raymond", sober, with eyes taped open.
7. Wear patchouli after not being able to shower for a week. (double ew.)
8. Be stuck in a jammed elevator with a sweaty polka band in August.
9. Have lemon juice poured on a papercut.
10. Eat toejam.

*This would require a time-travel machine.

Ugh. I'm going to go bake now and drown myself in delicious carbs.

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